over the past year, i have developed more health problems than i can remember, kidney infections and gallstones, maybe endo, maybe a cyst, colds and flu's and viruses and bacteria, joint pain, spontaneous allergic reactions, nausea, almost 20kg of weight loss which resulted in an unintentional eating disorder, every kind of deficiency you can think of, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and a sort of passive approach to existing only found in people with not much else going on. which sort of sucks because obejctively i think ive got it going pretty well for myself; a full time job on a salary, a relationship, good friends, holidays, family. im smart and endlessly creating new things. but at the end of the day nothing really helps, im still in pain, im still miserable because im stuck suffering with things i cant change and the lack of agency over my life is sending me into a state of what i can only describe as insanity. unfortunately for me, or maybe fortunately if you're an optimist, i cannot let myself wallow in pity and despair all the time because its; a) fucking annoying, and b) not fair to the people around me who are, for lack of a better word, forced to hang out with me because i have no other place to go! of course, i always could go home, and spend ~$700 a week getting to and from work because my mum had to get surgery and cant drive, so then i have to deal with the guilt of the fact that i never got my license and maybe if i did i couldve been driving her to work and saving money. and its lovely to get to see my girlfriend and my friends so often but sometimes all i want is some peace and time for myself which i never get because i literally do not have my own space.

and then people ask me what's wrong. and it takes everything in me to not start screaming at them because what on earth could you possibly mean? have you not listened to a single thing that has come out of my mouth recently? what do you MEAN "what's wrong?"? what do you THINK? its the same thing every day until something new gets tacked on top of it. and i start to feel crazy, does no one listen? do they not care? do they immediately forget? and then the guilt, well they have their lives, who am i to expect anything, and i dont take anything for granted, no one has to care.

so what do you do when you feel like your life is falling apart, you're self aware enough to know it's not really, and smart enough to know that given the health issues, it sort of is. talking about it helps, of course, just make sure you dont bring it up too much, that annoys people, or they start feeling sad for you, and pity is uncomfortable for everyone, especially when you can see it in their eyes, like they found a small animal dying on the side of the road, and they know there's nothing they can do, and its not even worth doing anything, it'll be gone soon. im not sure if pity or apathy is worse; i've always hated being pitied, i know im much stronger than people assume and pity feels like a declaration that im seen as weak, but talking to someone and pouring your heart out, getting that empty stare in return, when you know they stopped caring pretty soon after you started talking, and they just picked up enough words to give a vague response, is just as bad. of course it's much easier to be apathetic about everything, and its much nicer to not feel everything all the time, so i don't exactly blame anyone for it. what else helps? picking a vice to help kill you, so that at least you have some kind of agency over it. cant really recommend cigarettes tho, the smokers cough really isnt sexy, and if you already hate people asking if you're okay all the time, its a pretty bad one, because people will ask if you're okay every time you cough despite the fact you have, more annoyed each time, told them you are fine, and thought privately each time, that really? this is the one you wanna check in on? the one i did to myself?

music is good, its a nice distraction, and if you're lucky, you'll find a couple of artists that feel like they're speaking directly from your brain, of course this can lead to wallowing in your own despair and self pity while you listen to people share stories of themselves going through the same problems, and yet somehow still feel so alone. music can reveal a lot about how you feel, but that comes with constantly digging up old scars that never really healed.

you can research all the maladies affecting you, but you might start to get obsessive over it, googling every symptom, again and again an again as if it would be different this time. you might even start getting articles about ocd recommended to you and obviously you'll read them because any symptom could be anything right! and then you might come to terms with the fact that, yes you probably have ocd, but there are that many other things on you have to deal with first that you cant even begin to deal with that now.

screaming for help is another option! you can sob so hard you throw up and stop breathing and punch the wall so hard you think your hand is broken, you can claw at your skin till the blood surfaces and you're left with ugly burst blood vessels all over your face. you can try slamming doors and storming around your work place, break things, pour soap out all over the sink, just because you're angry that your life has to be so miserable. but people are afraid of confrontation so they will likely ignore all that and you'll calm down and just feel stupid for all the drama.

you can try just getting over it! apathy, despite its grand offence coming from anyone else, feels really great when its directed at yourself, from yourself!

people will say you should talk about it, find those who really do want to listen, because they love you, and they care about you! and maybe, if you're really really lucky, they'll start comparing your issues to theirs, and they'll tell you about how they understand because of this tangentially related, mildly painful something they're also going through! they understand, and actually their thing sucks so much, and this other thing also sucks. and now you're comforting them, because well, it isnt fair for just you to get to complain right! and you got a chance to talk about one of the 40 things on your mind, so they think that means you got to talk about it, so you must feel better now, and you're ready to help them with their problems now! because you're so good at that, you're such a good listener, and all you want is for everyone else to be happy! so you sit and listen and shut up and stop talking about your thing, because you dont want to be selfish, even though you havent reached anything even mildly resembling a conclusion, or relief. and its impolite to interrupt people, or say okay lets keep talking about me now. so you shut up and let them talk and you push it all down further and further so you can be a good friend and listen to their problems. this will cause problems, naturally! you might start to grow resentful towards the people you love, and then guilt over resentment, and sadness, and then you get to add more awful feelings to that list of everything ruining your life, so that you can keep wallowing in self pity, because you don't want to keep bothering everyone.

it will kill you, eventually. shutting everything down, pushing everyone away, bottling it up until you break, bottling it up again, and again, stacking new things on top and compressing it all down. whether you kill yourself over it, or all the stress just makes your body shut down. if you're lucky, it wont kill you, it'll just make you sick again.

so what's the answer then? all you want is to be happy again. so what makes you happy? what can you do that makes you happy without tainting it and ruining it forever? if you stop doing the things you love, you will get worse, if you stop talking, it will get worse, if you bottle it up and ignore it and push it away, it will get worse. you can't face it head on, because so much of it is out of your control, unless you're prepared to take a knife to your organs yourself, which at this point, the thought is very tempting. you think about all of the things plauging your life and you list them, and you start working through what you can, one by one. and you do not feel better, at all, but you know that there's so much already piled up that you probably wont start to feel better until you can start to see over the top of the mountain, the end of the tunnel, and other overused metaphors. make a list, make a start, check it off. beg and scream and cry for help and make everyone uncomfortable, because you need help and you will die without it, and teach yourself your values. know in your heart that if someone doesnt want to help, you do not want them. if someone cant help, doesn't want to, you have to leave so they dont get hurt. learn how to help back, in little ways that matter, rather than big ways that dont. dont be so hard on yourself, allow yourself the grace of failure, of starting again. let yourself be dumb, learn new things, learn that you don't have to know everything all the time, observe the unbearably high standard everyone holds you, and disappoint them, not because you're disappointing, but because you shouldn't have to be held to that standard all the time. you dont have to prove anyone else wrong, just yourself. the people that care will stick around, even when you're being miserable, and annoying, and boring. they'll stick around when you're mean, and rude, and quiet, and weird. give them the grace of being those things as well, and stick around for them. remember your values and hold them, but let them be flexible, don't beat yourself up over it.